The Journey On: Cold Water, Blazing Sun

Jun 30, 2023 | Photos, The Journey On, Trips

I will tell 2 stories that don’t belong together, but they do.

One is about a journey to another continent, one is the story about me moving into my own place.
One will have beautiful pictures, the other will be of more personal, yet subtantial and practical nature.
One has an end, the other goes on.

Both, though, are unique and filled with wonder and with awe.
Both began with thoughts, wishes and heaps of courage.
Both are so close to each other that I would like to tell them as close as this.

 

New Home

Finding this flat was a chance encounter. What I liked most out of the many impressions were the vibes and the air the place had. It went all so well, so that I secured the lease before heading out to Canada and I could begin occupying the place right after my return.

Thus, after I returned to Germany, for the first time I didn’t really arrive back in my old room, but stayed on the journey, not settling in to the old life after the trip as always.

Even after unpacking the suitcase I would already think about packing again. I went and got the keys to my new doors right away and knew what needed to be done: Preparing the rooms for painting, painting, cleaning the rooms from any excess paint, removing leftover paint from previous paintjobs, cleaning every corner in an initial manner and after the work would have been done, I could move in with my stuff.

White paint I received as leftover gifts, which was enough to paint 6 walls and two ceilings. Buying colorful paint for the other two walls was an emotional process and those emotions paid off very much while painting already!

Half of a paintjob is the preparation itself, so I spent two days on it all: One day essentially preparing and the other painting. Covered in a mixture of sweat and paint, I was done with the first acts of conquering my new world!

Cleaning is just as conquerous, which took many afternoons after work and ever so much sweat in the hot days of June, but here I always knew why I did it all and whom for. Those were hard days, but ever so rewarding with each other step taken!

 

Canada

The trip started with a successful nightdrive to the airport, only to discover that my flight had been delayed several hours. But I was lucky enough to go through a waiting list for the other overbooked flight and got in!

The reason to be happy about that not only is the blessing of having gotten in, but the nonstop nature of the offered flight. I certainly would have missed the connecting flight in Toronto as well, but now I could fly directly into Vancouver and arrived even earlier than expected.
If that is not a bumpy, but phenomenal start, I don’t know what is.

After being impressed by first impressions at the Vancouver Airport, I got into the city hassle free and had a pleasant check-in at the Airbnb, which was located in a convenient spot and was a safe haven for the first days.

Before I would go to Vancouver Island, I had some days of settling in here in Downtown Vancouver. I got to check off some essentials (getting a SIM card, realising that I had packed too many warm clothes) and explore and see what Vancouver is all about.

It is a bustling city, but with many faces. Of which some belong to humans in a broken state, which was hard to witness and to put into perspective.

As of the the rumors of Vancouver being rainy: I haven’t seen any of that, actually on the whole trip I got more sun than I would ever have thought of, and that was only one of many special aspects of the time there.

In all, I had some nice interactions and tastes and impressions, rented a bike for more swift and flexible transportation for a day, tested the limits of my feet once more and captured many of the sights in Vancouver:

Seven Years

May 10, 2023 | After The Great Journey, Autism, Updates

Today it has been seven full years.
Two years ago I looked back gratefully at all the things that happened after the great journey and here I stand, with many more tales to tell:

  • I found myself in 14 countries including Germany

  • I had the chance to preserve many beautiful moments at 6 different weddings as the photographer

  • Last year I was successfully trained as a wellness masseur, which always has been a passion of mine

  • The unique chance to spend half a year working from the east of Germany was given to me and it was a blast!

  • My archives were sorted out and decluttered, which was a huge step for me

  • I fulfilled my old dream to upgrade my computing hardware to the newest generation

  • I started to follow my knack for sounds and started out making audio recordings to preserve precious sensory input

  • 3 of my 4 grandparents departed earth

  • Countless wondrous and ever-life-shaping times I spent with my dear friends and with family

  • The long-cherished question of my neural configuration has been answered and turned my life around pretty much

  • My role at work has changed according to my newly identified needs, which makes for a far more satisfactory work experience

  • Due to all the clearing up in my life, I came to the decision that it would be time to take on more responsibility in the right ways and move out from home

Now, the next stop for me is Canada, with more pictures to take, friends to meet, sounds to hear, food to eat, lengths to travel and many things to learn.

So stay tuned! 🙂

Guilt

Apr 30, 2023 | Autism, Thoughts

The feeling of remorse of not having met expectations because of my own shortcomings.

So I fled the scene. I couldn’t function properly and there were 1000 reasons why. But I couldn’t articulate but one of them, as none of those were the real reason. It might have started with a single reason, but I could not put my finger on it, as every other reason gets more complicated with more entering the mix and chasing off all safeguards.

I had the wish to be my best self, to meet all the criteria of a good time with me.
But then, something changes, some factors go cross, I am not fully prepared anymore, and now I have to put in extra energy to be aware of the new situation.

Guilt is an ugly thing, but can be cured.

 

Remorse

Shame.

You couldn’t make it! You failed! You are not fit. You do not fit in. Where is your place?

So why are you not able to make it? A good time with people, what is so hard? Other times you can do it, but why not now?

Why do you not function at will? What is so big, so hard, so cruel that it doesn’t let you be your best self?

What is your play, what makes sense here? How can you build good relationships when you suddenly don’t talk much? Where are you going with your behaviour?

What about your good days, can you not be like you are then?

 

Expectations

What DO you want?

It depends, as always. My life does consist of the external circumstances and what I bring to the table.
Some things can be changed, some things can’t be changed, some things are not easy to change.

We all like certain things and we should be prepared to make sure others can experience them. Starting with basic human warmth, up to selfless acts of kindness.

There are always expectations, hidden, implied, clearly stated, but sometimes only projected onto myself, by myself. It takes extreme measures of self-reflexion to be aware of the latter.

As much as these expectations depend on the situation, they are either met or not met.

Meeting expectations is often seen as the default, but when I can’t meet one, up rises a gap waiting to be filled with interpretation:
What was the reason? Am I okay with not meeting the expectation? Do I learn something from the situation? Does the situation affect my wellbeing?

Aha!
In order to answer those questions, I need to know my values, aka what’s important to me.

Only that is quite impossible without knowing myself, at least for a little bit.

 

Shortcomings

We are all short of perfection. No doubt, all fail.

Though the individual and ultimate difference lies in handling those shortcomings, which is tightly related to the way we explain those to ourselves.

For the majority of people, failing to navigate the world leads to similar sounding explanations and thus, to similar ways to handle those.

But there are people who, at their core, work differently, which sparks differences in behaviour and handling of external factors. This affects people with autism, like myself.

 

A Cure?

Guilt plays a major role in the lives of autistic people.
All of the above I have written well aware of being affected by the phenomenon.

And that is the very fact that makes the relentless experience of guilt mostly a thing of the past for me.
I know about my needs now, I can set expectations for myself correctly and I can work with others, who to me always seemed to just make the rules, to discuss those expectations.

Many times I have sat down and couldn’t quite make sense out of my feelings, when I had been overwhelmed by a situation of humanly acceptable expectations.
I felt guilt, without allowing myself to call it that and act accordingly. It is a dangerous power to think that something is how it is supposed to be, while not questioning it against your values.

But the realisation of how you work and who you are is a very hard-to-acquire one. Also, a whole new topic, what your aim in life is.

Nevertheless, it is just that thing, that undestanding of my own nature, which made my life immensly better. Not without help and not without tears and not without pain that was achieved.

One can go quite the mile in the know which painful change is for the better and which discomfort not to tolerate.

I still have to care about expectations, as everyone does, I still can’t meet them all, as noone does, but I know much better why.
And that is a pretty good cure for all those pressing questions that want to inject guilt into my life.

My World

Mar 31, 2023 | Thoughts

From my perspective, which is the only one I can assume fully, my life is taking place inside my own world.
Two grand words, life and world, but they are related.

Life is linear, but the world is always around.

While filling my life, I work with the world around me and thus, make it my world from my point of view.

This world consists of the lives of many others, who may form a society, a family or just circumstances.
It also provides physical places in which I may feel and perceive the world differently.

 

How big is my world?

As far as I can reach, as I can go, as I can be heard.

 

Who owns my world?

Anyone I let.
That may not always a free choice, and ever so often a difficult decision.
But when it indeed is my own choice, am I not to be held responsible for who is where inside my world?

 

And what story could I tell, when I am not responsible for a vast amount of the things happening in it?

 

Are there rules in my world?

Lots and I love it!
Rules make life with the lives of others easy: The more I can learn, the better I navigate the world and make it mine, rather than onlybeing a guest in someone else’s world.

Sometimes it takes a lot of time to see certain rules or to overthrow old rules, which I liked to cling to just for the sake of continuity.
This has the potential to reshape my world, which is built on rules.

 

What do I do with my life in my world?

Good things.
Good things are more than things that don’t hurt anyone: Things that make the people in my world happy.

Even if my choices don’t immediately feel like good things to others, the ultimate goal is to make the others feel the good feelings.
And how would I achieve that without being able to be happy in the first place?

I don’t know when I am welcome

Mar 17, 2023 | Autism, Thoughts

There they are, and here I am.
May I join them? I don’t know. What business do I have with them?

Is just ‘I would like their company right now’ enough? Is it weird to just stand next to their conversation and make them acknowledge my presence?
What reason do I really have to join people, to intrude into their bubble?

Sometimes it feels like I am a vampire, who have to be invited in specifically, before they are physically able to enter a house.
Because then there is no doubt about the justification of my intrusion.

There are only several situations when I feel confident to join other people:

  • Being specifically invited

  • Being in an established relation (closer friends or family) where I would feel weird NOT joining

  • Having a certain objective or at least a good reason, which I can communicate openly, so the others know why I am here now

In my stack of values, preserving others’ privacy and current flow (which is almost impossible to guess at) outweighs the desire to join other people who I might be interested in being with.

I like to design my own bubble and change it in the ways I like, letting certain people in and keeping other elements out.
I assume (dangerous, I know) that all other persons have the inclination to take care of their bubble as well: That they like to be conscious about who and what enters their sanctum.
So, naturally, I like to be extra respectful when I feel like getting close to another bubble. Wouldn’t want to disturb the peace.

Although, I admit not always to have judged rightly and sometimes I feel like having gone too far up someone’s bu..bble. Joke aside, this dreaded feeling, of having taken some space that wasn’t meant for me, made me even more cautious and hesitant to approach again, time and time again.

Cue a flirt, which is the very dance of intruding into another’s life, and I am divided: Am I actually welcome inside their bubble or am I only welcome to TRY to intrude (which seems to be a goal in flirting) and only then I will be welcome or am I most possibly not welcome at all from the beginning, which is hard to deduce in absence of the signs of a clear invitation.

On the other hand, I am rather happy with my friendships, which are rooted deeply and I can be confident in the ways I act and feel safe to be welcome in their company, which, thankfully, is expressed regularly and authentically.
Worth mentioning: Most of my friendships are with a single person, not a group. Of those I have but little.

 

 

At work, where social bubbles are more complex, given professional relations, scattered projects and parallel to that work-related bonds or feuds, fitting in can be a mystery.
Since I discovered the reasons for the great imbalance of my energy, which revolved around pumping it all out at work and then having measly amounts left for the rest of my daily life, my situation changed for the better: I have my own space now and a clear-as-day task and that makes me happy in many ways.

As much as I need and enjoy being inside a regulated bubble (more on that and all the sensory things at another time), living inside a world made out of the people and relations around us makes concentrating on these very social things a top priority.

Meaningful relations I don’t take for granted and I am aware of most of the efforts to pour into those, but many times I get lost inside the world of you others and the many invisible-to-me circles and bubbles and tend to feel guilty for not being able to just be a part of them. Guilt is also a great topic to shed a light on.
Then I like to retract to the bubble I am most welcome in:
My own.

I think I also speak for many non-autistic people in this:
If you would like my company or just get me out of my comfy bubble for some time, please, do invite me.
Give me the reason to join you, tell me when I am welcome.
Because I might very well not know that.

I can’t promise I will stay long or give a grand human performance, but I will be ever so grateful to be included and being welcome in your midst.