The feeling of remorse of not having met expectations because of my own shortcomings.
So I fled the scene. I couldn’t function properly and there were 1000 reasons why. But I couldn’t articulate but one of them, as none of those were the real reason. It might have started with a single reason, but I could not put my finger on it, as every other reason gets more complicated with more entering the mix and chasing off all safeguards.
I had the wish to be my best self, to meet all the criteria of a good time with me.
But then, something changes, some factors go cross, I am not fully prepared anymore, and now I have to put in extra energy to be aware of the new situation.
Guilt is an ugly thing, but can be cured.
Remorse
Shame.
You couldn’t make it! You failed! You are not fit. You do not fit in. Where is your place?
So why are you not able to make it? A good time with people, what is so hard? Other times you can do it, but why not now?
Why do you not function at will? What is so big, so hard, so cruel that it doesn’t let you be your best self?
What is your play, what makes sense here? How can you build good relationships when you suddenly don’t talk much? Where are you going with your behaviour?
What about your good days, can you not be like you are then?
Expectations
What DO you want?
It depends, as always. My life does consist of the external circumstances and what I bring to the table.
Some things can be changed, some things can’t be changed, some things are not easy to change.
We all like certain things and we should be prepared to make sure others can experience them. Starting with basic human warmth, up to selfless acts of kindness.
There are always expectations, hidden, implied, clearly stated, but sometimes only projected onto myself, by myself. It takes extreme measures of self-reflexion to be aware of the latter.
As much as these expectations depend on the situation, they are either met or not met.
Meeting expectations is often seen as the default, but when I can’t meet one, up rises a gap waiting to be filled with interpretation:
What was the reason? Am I okay with not meeting the expectation? Do I learn something from the situation? Does the situation affect my wellbeing?
Aha!
In order to answer those questions, I need to know my values, aka what’s important to me.
Only that is quite impossible without knowing myself, at least for a little bit.
Shortcomings
We are all short of perfection. No doubt, all fail.
Though the individual and ultimate difference lies in handling those shortcomings, which is tightly related to the way we explain those to ourselves.
For the majority of people, failing to navigate the world leads to similar sounding explanations and thus, to similar ways to handle those.
But there are people who, at their core, work differently, which sparks differences in behaviour and handling of external factors. This affects people with autism, like myself.
A Cure?
Guilt plays a major role in the lives of autistic people.
All of the above I have written well aware of being affected by the phenomenon.
And that is the very fact that makes the relentless experience of guilt mostly a thing of the past for me.
I know about my needs now, I can set expectations for myself correctly and I can work with others, who to me always seemed to just make the rules, to discuss those expectations.
Many times I have sat down and couldn’t quite make sense out of my feelings, when I had been overwhelmed by a situation of humanly acceptable expectations.
I felt guilt, without allowing myself to call it that and act accordingly. It is a dangerous power to think that something is how it is supposed to be, while not questioning it against your values.
But the realisation of how you work and who you are is a very hard-to-acquire one. Also, a whole new topic, what your aim in life is.
Nevertheless, it is just that thing, that undestanding of my own nature, which made my life immensly better. Not without help and not without tears and not without pain that was achieved.
One can go quite the mile in the know which painful change is for the better and which discomfort not to tolerate.
I still have to care about expectations, as everyone does, I still can’t meet them all, as noone does, but I know much better why.
And that is a pretty good cure for all those pressing questions that want to inject guilt into my life.
