There they are, and here I am.
May I join them? I don’t know. What business do I have with them?
Is just ‘I would like their company right now’ enough? Is it weird to just stand next to their conversation and make them acknowledge my presence?
What reason do I really have to join people, to intrude into their bubble?
Sometimes it feels like I am a vampire, who have to be invited in specifically, before they are physically able to enter a house.
Because then there is no doubt about the justification of my intrusion.
There are only several situations when I feel confident to join other people:
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Being specifically invited
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Being in an established relation (closer friends or family) where I would feel weird NOT joining
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Having a certain objective or at least a good reason, which I can communicate openly, so the others know why I am here now
In my stack of values, preserving others’ privacy and current flow (which is almost impossible to guess at) outweighs the desire to join other people who I might be interested in being with.
I like to design my own bubble and change it in the ways I like, letting certain people in and keeping other elements out.
I assume (dangerous, I know) that all other persons have the inclination to take care of their bubble as well: That they like to be conscious about who and what enters their sanctum.
So, naturally, I like to be extra respectful when I feel like getting close to another bubble. Wouldn’t want to disturb the peace.
Although, I admit not always to have judged rightly and sometimes I feel like having gone too far up someone’s bu..bble. Joke aside, this dreaded feeling, of having taken some space that wasn’t meant for me, made me even more cautious and hesitant to approach again, time and time again.
Cue a flirt, which is the very dance of intruding into another’s life, and I am divided: Am I actually welcome inside their bubble or am I only welcome to TRY to intrude (which seems to be a goal in flirting) and only then I will be welcome or am I most possibly not welcome at all from the beginning, which is hard to deduce in absence of the signs of a clear invitation.
On the other hand, I am rather happy with my friendships, which are rooted deeply and I can be confident in the ways I act and feel safe to be welcome in their company, which, thankfully, is expressed regularly and authentically.
Worth mentioning: Most of my friendships are with a single person, not a group. Of those I have but little.
At work, where social bubbles are more complex, given professional relations, scattered projects and parallel to that work-related bonds or feuds, fitting in can be a mystery.
Since I discovered the reasons for the great imbalance of my energy, which revolved around pumping it all out at work and then having measly amounts left for the rest of my daily life, my situation changed for the better: I have my own space now and a clear-as-day task and that makes me happy in many ways.
As much as I need and enjoy being inside a regulated bubble (more on that and all the sensory things at another time), living inside a world made out of the people and relations around us makes concentrating on these very social things a top priority.
Meaningful relations I don’t take for granted and I am aware of most of the efforts to pour into those, but many times I get lost inside the world of you others and the many invisible-to-me circles and bubbles and tend to feel guilty for not being able to just be a part of them. Guilt is also a great topic to shed a light on.
Then I like to retract to the bubble I am most welcome in:
My own.
I think I also speak for many non-autistic people in this:
If you would like my company or just get me out of my comfy bubble for some time, please, do invite me.
Give me the reason to join you, tell me when I am welcome.
Because I might very well not know that.
I can’t promise I will stay long or give a grand human performance, but I will be ever so grateful to be included and being welcome in your midst.
