The Thing about the Au Pair

Oct 16, 2015 | The Great Journey, Thoughts

I am an au pair.

But just as with every au pair, the time as one passes. That doesn’t change the fact that you lived as an au pair. No matter if that time was shorter or longer.

My blog features the title ‘The Thing about the au pair and my life…’. That stays like that, but now only the thing about my life continues.

My time as an au pair was shorter than expected. I get asked often what exactly happened. As in the beginning I was quite happy with the family and living with there. And I was, no doubt; before in the last week certain cases came to light…

The cold New Zealand winter I lived as an au pair.

What I didn’t realise enough in the beginning was the fact that you inhabit a particular role as an au pair.
An au pair comes to a family in order to support the life with kids as a family member.
A family member surrenders to the regulations of the parents, by nature’s default. That can be, depending on how far those ways of life and values differ from the own, more or less difficult.
In my case there was no similarity to be found in their way of life and my personal reasoning. For I could have never adapted to their way of life, the relationship just didn’t take off.
But as long as I was sure that the host mum was satisfied with my work and effort, I was happy. The main problem, as revealed in the end, was lack in communication. In the beginning the host mum said that, if there were no improvement talks, every thing would be in order.
But seemingly I didn’t implement the hints and suggestions as precise as she wished after I approached her for advise. Thus, she took me for immune to criticism. Also, my good will was put in doubt, which led me away very very quickly.

Nevertheless I have a fully shaped life as an au pair to tell about. I now know the circle of laundry, can make extraordinary cookies, can do the dishes/ tidy up/ clean up, fry mince to prefection and know SO much more about family life.

I learned the importance of parents in kids’ lives. As kids are just the product of their parents. That applies not only to genes, it doesn’t. Every facette of the parents and the relationship between themselves and to the environment shapes the kids, the house and the life as a family.

I couldn’t stand it anymore as soon as I saw that my effort were fruitless.
And just how happy and free I felt when driving away from that house for the last time! Oh, those surges of emotion don’t come in every other day…

But aside from the bitter lesson my view on family life evolved as well. There were many many nice moments in that time, of course, and you can take something from any situation… In a few years’ time I see myself as a family man. (This information is supplied without liability. 😉 )

I have learned what it means to live with a foreign family and work for them as an au pair. That was my goal. And I reached it fully.
Even though there are some shadows above those 4 months, it has been an experience not to be underestimated and not to be forgotten.

Not least I came by some wonderful people…

Henry, me, Lea, Celine and Elena. These 5 au pairs have gone to all 4 directions of the wind… (And no, I didn’t shrink! 😉 )

Some hard learned lessons for au pairs to be:

 

  • Carefully watch the parents and how they act. Does only one get to speak or do both communicate equally? How do they talk about each other

 

  • What is important to the family and what are things the family does neglect? (what do they declare family values and what don’t they, is there decoration around the house or are medals and certificates the only trinkets, etc.)

 

  • Kids will always be a handful. But when you get word about fussiness and naughtiness in advance, you better listen up.

 

  • Milk any source of experiences you can get your hands on about the family. Carefully weigh everything you hear…

 

Maybe one day I will make listing of things that are important in general when being/ becoming an au pair and how reality and theory work together… Whoever is interested, just let me know and I will prioritise accordingly. 😉

However, my life here in Dunedin continues. Soon more about that… 🙂

Oliver Evolves

Sep 29, 2015 | The Great Journey, Thoughts

I just discovered a very very old playlist of music on my harddrive. Especially when you evolve abroad at a breathtaking speed, you find these useful as a static reference point to look back. ‘Accentuated’ by this old music, I look at pictures from home.
And I can’t help myself, but to start writing this post.

To evolve, to change, learning things, leaving things behind… In these regards, there is a lot happening with yourself in the last time.

While listening to well-known music I am looking at the well-known, but strangely strange looking images of my home, I notice my jaw dropped. Just how much actually happened!
Maybe some of you have waited for a post like this. At least Susi had asked for it pretty much an exact half of a year before. 😉 And think it is about time, being abroad for almost 10 months now…

Oh, details?? You want some details?

Let’s go then:

  • Normally I am slow to decide on bigger matters and liked to stay in one spot, without moving on too much. Though today, I just decided that Queenstown is far too expensive to live in and that Dunedin offers more work alongside lesser living costs. Spending a night in Invercargill and my first experience as a couchsurfer (details on THAT later) will make me arrive in Dunedin a few days later… Or the decision to leave my host family. I would never have thought that you will be this much happier because of a decision like that.

 

  • As soon as you realise that you practically eat your own money, you don’t have to stuff yourself anymore and 2 meals a day are plenty. Come to think of all the times being invited at friends’ or with the own family and you get served the most outrageous meals, I start to understand why you always say ‘Thank you’.

 

  • For a few weeks now, I am drinking 1,5 litres of tea on a daily basis from my lovely ‘T-pot’ (the T stands for either, ‘thermos’ or ‘tea’). Coffee I get exclusively in cafés, for no household I visited yet had a fully automated coffee machine. (Might I be a little fussy, after all? 😀 )

 

  • As soon as you learn that doing laundry usually is going to cost you, you can get a looooot more careful in what you start wearing.

 

  • When normally I would only stop for an outrageous sunset at golden hour, my inhibition level has dropped dramatically to pull over for pictures.

 

  • Most of you might know me as a classic extrovert, an open person who always tends to not mincing matters rather than the opposite. It has shown, that I inhabit those ways best in a familiar environment. In the foreign, I learned that I very much need time for myself to process new things and to get used to new situations. As the social structure here resembles as little of what I know from familiar circles, I will sooner or later be in need for a break.

 

  • I often found myself in a secluded position, rather than in constant contact with new people.

 

  • Many travellers tell about english language dreams or similar elements as an effect of the change in language. I think in English and German equally, but was startled to find myself thinking out a conversation with my parents in English, strangely enough…

 

  • When I was given constructive criticism, often it was about my sturdily positive attitude towards life. Fortunately, that one has not changed until now. 🙂

 

  • In Queenstown I had to help to clean a building site from rubbish through the agency. Doing that, for the first time in my life I had opportunity to maneuver a right-hand drive, diesel-powered, manual transmission, pickup truck, pulling a trailer, backwards. I am a little proud of myself, as it worked out without struggling…

 

  • One of the greatest things that changed dramatically, is the relationship with my parents. You might think that there’s not much potential for that this far apart, but you are wrong. No other time I could have been more sure about how much I owe these two people than walking the other side of the earth all by myself. Every nuance of my personality has been predetermined at home and much has been shaped already. I am not a finished human being yet, but even separated from home, where many cuts and shapes are done without their supervision, I learn that their preshaping has been all wundrous and wise. No other person in this world I love more than my parents.

 

  • One idea for my return I already have: I will ‘pretend New Zealand’ as much as I can. Be it making meals I learned here, be it talking to travel acquaintances, be it listening to music you connect with the time here, be it asking the cashier who they are or be it grabbing the camera, ideally alongside some friends, and going on a roadtrip… For best results over the weekend and staying at internationally rich places. 😉

 

  • Different to the eating habits at home, here the only thing that matters in that department is the money. And when saving is the goal, you might just go with spaghetti plus pesto and apples plus the cheapest cookies on the shelf for a snack. Or else 1,5 litres of tea plus the cookies that were on sale…

 

  • What more came to my attention, is that I used to think a lot about what to take with me into the shower when on trips or recreational getaways. In the countless nights at hostels I have found the answer to the minimum requirements: You need an exact two items (sorted by relevance, descending): A towel and shower gel.

 

  • My consumption behaviour also changed, as you are on your own now. You start looking predominantly at the value for money of something, rather than choosing by brand. Because of the typical discounts in New Zealand your approach tends to get diverted rather smoothly. 🙂

 

  • As I look through the old pictures, I have to admit that, compared to the present day, I had to move much more cheek flesh when smiling back then. But the somewhat slimmer Oli is much more to my liking than the chubby-bellied Oli from 2014. So outdated! 😀

 

  • What I also noticed was that you can see my smartphone in many pictures. These days you can hardly spot it. You heard right, me, who knew every new model a year back and who recommended all the best apps, now owns a Huawei Y221. No Whatsapp, no Facebook messenger, no games. Well, I use Facebook via mobile browser, as you are FAR too cut off from the other travellers otherwise, and the Gmail app (no automatic synchronisation) for mails from employers and, more importantly, my family. Still, the only things that can make my device ring are the alarm, calls or SMS’. The rest only gets a request when I(!) want it. Initially, it was my goal to go through New Zealand without half my thoughts in my pocket. And I think I want to continue like this at home. A little ‘reset’ of the mobile usage, so to speak. 🙂

 

  • At a pretty early stage of my past, I learned that my taste in music makes my stand out rather lonely. I would have the opportunity to accept many new styles, whilst here. And indeed, I can find interest in a not too little count of songs from the different genres.

 

  • Still, my deepest admiration is towards the sounds of classical music. And here in New Zealand my passion for singing has been awoken for good. If I find a stable job in Dunedin, I might invest more into that…

Well, the Oli as you know him changes rapidly. Some of him remains, some of him will be left on the side of his road… 🙂

The End of the Third Age

Aug 18, 2015 | The Great Journey, Thoughts, Updates

On my harddrive I organised my New Zealand pictures into folders. The first age was me travelling Wellington, Taupo, Rotorua and Napier. In the second age, I lived and worked in Hastings and the third one with this family.
And in two week’s time the fourth age will dawn.

When au pairs leave their families, it is an unpleasant thing. One voice in your head then says: ‘Well, that went down the drain!’ and the other voice rejoices about this step back towards happiness.

What happened?
When 2 foreign worlds live together in a confined space, the inner human starts to show one day. And when those inner policies won’t harmonise, neither of those to can be happy for long.
In my case, things have turned out not compatible. Yes, I was happy in the beginning and I had a good time and a good life here. But in the latest time I realised that this couldn’t work out for good.
Signs, you have a good time as an au pair: You are terrified by the thought of saying goodbye and don’t wish to have that soon. You are looking forward to the coming spring and summer. You love spending time with your family.
For those things didn’t apply, I decided to take action.

But the logical follow-up is: How will things move on from there?
With my own car, I can choose whichever way… I will begin to look for another family, as just because it didn’t work out with this family, it doesn’t mean I am not meant to be an au pair.
On the other hand, I could just take on any job and boost my travel funds a little. Come to think of it…it has been while wielding the soldering iron. 🙂

 

 

For peace may reign again!

 

 

As I walked through the streets of Wellington with my friends whis weekend, my longing to be free grew in me. Not having to go back, being able to breathe freely…

And this longing will get satisfied soon. It is not easy or nice to everyone involved, but when you are unhappy you should act quickly in favour of the change.
Be that cowardly or brave…

War and Peace

Jun 25, 2015 | The Great Journey, Thoughts

My blog is all about my life as an au pair, yet there are too little posts about that specific topic. Please indulge in a dry technical report that is more differentiated and critical than rose-colored and idyllic. 🙂

There are nice days and there are days less nice. There is success and there is failure. There are moments to rise up inside and there are moments to be happy.

As an au pair of 8 weeks I can’t talk about long-time experience, but I have learned some deal about rules and regularities of the matter.
The weeks are turning rapidly, by the way, thanks to the structure in life of the family.

Talking to other au pairs, you get a sense of whether your own situation is good or not. And my life with the family is good, that said beforehand.

In preparation I asked myself, how the balance of time working and spare time would look, as you are living with the family all around the clock.
My family has had a long history of au pairs and thus, there is a plan for everything. Every week and every day is planned out. My tasks I have in writing and they are well assorted to the 5 days of work.
Therefore my duty as an au pair is done when those chores are complete and the parents have returned home.

After that I don’t have to care about whether the kids listen to their parents or not. Now I am only the older brother, as my work day is over. But as an older I still try to transport an important lesson of my life: Listen to your parents, respect and honour them! Up to this day I got cross looks and an obvious lack of understanding, but one day they will understand what I mean by that. At latest when they have their own kids…

A great part of my everyday life are the meals. Punctuality and perfection are key here, as nobody wants to go hungry. There are fixed appointmets daily, like sports and other activites and everybody should be pleased with their meal. Now there are kids raised to eat everything and .there are those who weren’t at all. I am presented with the latter.
From gists and gusts of creativity you shall keep your distance and rather indulge in the certain wishes and pleas regarding ingredients and serving methods to avoid great calamity and the bawling.
When things are rough I tend to calm myself by the following:
– They are not your own children.
– You neither will change them, nor will you shake the pillars of their previous upbringing.

Of course I try to impart my personal values where I can, but in the end of the day I am still just an au pair. I help out the parents and take care of the kids. And thanks to the experience of my host parents following a detailed plan.

I am but a face of a short term of this family’s life. Afterwards I will only watch the children grow up from afar.

 

So the relationship with the host parents is more of a professional fashion in my case. On the other hand we have some more time ahead of each other… 🙂
The kids, however, don’t really grasp the concept of work and time off and look at me as their au pair for the whole day.

It is most interesting to see certain mannerism in the little ones. In the morning I spend an extended period of time with the boy and sometimes it is a challenge to keep him on track of his chores. For he is one of the sensitive children, he quickly snaps into tears and sulkiness. On one of those mornings I drove him due to the wintery rain to school and he proceeded to give me a goodbye hug in the car for the first time.
To say the least, I was aghast.
There are a number of times where, after strict rebukes, you get a hug out of nowhere and you get to hear how you get defended by your host kids against others.

As an au pair you get a try on being a mum or a dad, I once said. Indeed you do, but only inside the boundaries previously set by the actual parents. This helps you out of hopelessness in the hefty moments, as well as nice experiences make you anticipate your own kids.
In the end you might know more about nurture and family life than most freshman couples/ parents.

Bottom line: To be an au pair is a demanding process, employer- and subject-wise. But in the end, this certificate shall be recognised in full.

Milestones

Jun 20, 2015 | Photos, The Great Journey, Updates

At this point many thanks for all congratulations, my birthday far from home was a blast!

 

 

In other department I was blessed with success as well!
The Friday before last Friday I spent visiting the authorities focusing on applying for my visa extension, requesting the 18+ card and issuing my New Zealand driver’s licence.

A few words about the visa extension for anyone thinking about that option:
Main requirement is that you spend 3 months (12 weeks, one day per week will count) working in agriculture or horticulture (firm details on the official government website). So anything greenish up to processing food, monitoring canned goods won’t count anymore…
Your income has to be taxed and you have to collect your paychecks, as they are to be handed in alongside your application. I just got a scrap of paper from my employer with proof of all payment…

The ‘standard’ working holiday visa you apply for online and you have to carry a printed piece of paper next to your passport. The extension, however, is applied for on location only, so it is an offline process. Meaning, you go in there with all the paperwork, hand it over in person and in my case don’t wait longer than a week to get the confirmation email back. And you have to hand in your very passport. Thus, you are without one for a short time, which came out well in the end. In contrast to your printed out ‘E-Visa’ you receive an elegant sticker inside your passport and don’t have to carry a folded piece of paper anymore.

Bottom line: Who completes their 12 weeks by every trick in the book, can easily apply for the extension. 3 extra months are a hundred percent worth it! 😉 Oh, and the fee for the extension is a whopping 165 dollars, though it should feel fair for what you get…

 

 

 

 

As I stay for more than one year in New Zealand, I have to carry a New Zealand driver’s licence. That one you can apply for in one of the AA centre (New Zealand Automobile Association).
You fill out a charming questionaire, state some details from both your driver’s licences and the passport and pay a small fee. The passport photograph and some copies of your documents they take on site. I was issued a temporary driver’s licence and very soon I saved an envelope that was not entirely soft from the rain from the leaky postbox:

 

 

The integral parts are still legible. 😀

 

 

As on said Friday I had taken on both obstacles, I went for requesting the 18+ card as well.
This card is a simple proof of age, when you go buy some wine for your cooking. 😛 They are as strict as rigid in the shops here… So when you do not want to carry you bulky passport everywhere, this card is quite the replacement.
But I was taken aback, as I just left my passport, which is necessary to show in order to get your card done, at the immigration office only a few minutes ago and went out of the post office empty-handed.

But when I held the driver’s licence in my hands, I also held a very absolutely legitimate photo ID and that was all I needed. Besides, this is the more badass 18+ card, as you are able to drive on it in Germany too. Getting pulled over might even be fun then. 😀
Ultimately, the 18+ card would’ve cost me ana additional 35 dollars. Now I am not mad at all… 🙂

Yesterday I went for some entertainment which was brought to me by a young choir (regarding the average age and ensemble existence) from Wellington. Next to wonderful music the did something special in the end: They broke the classic formation for the last 3 songs and surrounded the listeners. The concert was about captivity,detemination and resistance and music predominantly coming from concentration camps. It was impressive!

My first singing lessons I also have completed and there shall be many to follow. I have learned many things about myself and among them that singing is one of my greatest passions…