Because back then I put my needs in the background and lesser than everything else.
And that without any bad intent, but to the best of my knowledge about myself and in all conscience.
That had twice of an effect: I could live beyond my comfort zone, and I still always searched for frames that were stable enough for me to live inside of them.

That had 2 fundamentals: On the one hand, my parents’ house gave me the most comfortable, even though not as much age appropriate, environment and on the other hand, I worked on shaping my masks more and more in a way that made me feel almost like everyone else.

Those pains, insecurities, energy-deprivation and the huge amounted energy debt I just took home. I experienced fear and distress and didn’t even allow myself to call it that, as it wasn’t befitting the carefully designed mask of that Oli who I continuously optimised and cut to size.
I had my suspicions for a long time, to not be like everyone else, but lacking a clinical diagnosis I couldn’t arrogate anything myself, and so I concentrated on being happy . But these darker thoughts only had their place in those moments when I dropped the mask inside my comfort zone, as this mask is utterly heavy.

And when the doubts grew unbearable, I went for the source of the matter.
Diagnosis: Autism.

Now I don’t have an excuse, when it comes to ignoring my needs and sacrificing my lifestyle to the mask.

But even this self has merged so far into that mask, that I have a hard time even separating them.

Last year was shaped by 2 major projects:
First the return to the workplace, with a room to myself, with fresh tasks, with more self-respect.
Then, with fresh energy, moving out of my parents’ house, with new challenges and a new way of the daily life, with responsibilities in many new departments towards myself and others.

Thanks to the option of retreat from the open space office and an early workday, I had a chance to prevail against the masses of fresh responsibilities and to live.
Not least, it helped that I was made feeling sure about being welcomed in that way of working and being alright.

But with the moment I have to doubt that or when I disregard those needs for whatever reason, my happiness dies and what follows sucks up all energy.

And when at the end of balancing out no energy is left, it might so happen that I would even forget why exactly I am doing okay or which unexpected change would be fatal. As of then, I ride the downwards spiral, without realising it, without being able to hold onto healthy habits, without getting help.

I am programmed to see the good things. But that alone doesn’t let the bad disappear and I see it only too late, if I don’t accept it and learn to deal with it in a healthy way.

…actively and patiently listens to you.
…pays attention to you.
…remembers many things.
…takes great care and does things correctly.
…pays attention to detail.
…gives solid advice.
…can explain why they do what they do.
…maintains friendships.
…is honest and authentic.
…is friendly and happy.
…helps and supports.
…makes you happy.
…is considerate with their surroundings.
…inspires.
…makes things easy and relaxed.
…is generous.
…makes you laugh.
…is reliable and on time.
…is unobtrusive.
…doesn’t hold grudges.
…is understanding and open-minded.
…can be flexible and spontaneous.
…reflects on their self.
…is teachable.
…gives notice.
…asks about what’s important to you.
…takes you for who you are.
…is open towards new things.
…takes a stand for their values.
…is tidy.
…smells nice.
…is tact- and tasteful.
…radiates warmth and approachability.
…is trustworthy.
…keeps secrets.
…can articulate themselves properly.
…knows what is going on.
…pays respect and credit.
…has time for you.
…gets things done.
…is healthy.
…is creative.
…thinks ahead.
…is interested in your life.
…is content inside their world.
…can enjoy the little things as well.

As an autistic person, I have always strived towards and put the majority of my energy into being a person who everyone likes, and I learn new rules every day, in order to be better at it.
Whether a person like that, who everyone likes, can exist in the first place, I might haven’t questioned yet…

Even I do sometimes wonder at my past trips. How was I able to do all that and also make friends and inspire people all over the world?

A journey might sound like the wildest and most unforeseeable and most overstimulating thing ever that humans undertake, but in reality, all that is but secondary.

Mainly, a trip is a confined timeframe, with a set purpose and plan. You move quite consciously through time and space and with certain expectation of what kind of trip you would like to have.

Also, preparations: You kit out, always pack too much, you learn words and phrases in a foreign language, you gather info on safety and environment, you negotiate preferences with possible travel mates and previsualise your experience.
You make reservations, buy tickets, plan events and precalculate ways and resources.

And all that only to be able to be at ease and to cruise along smoothly on the journey, to take turns freely, to let inspiration approach, to feel at liberty, to leave worries behind, to find new things.
Every complication is amplified while on a trip: There is special insurance for going abroad, there are countless offers for tourists, the locals generally are understanding towards travellers and especially towards those who can adapt a bit.

While travelling, many people experience what I live through each day in an intense way: A frame makes relaxation possible in the first place and creates boundaries to let creativity and passion run free.

The following is a special achievement in travelling: To be among the locals, to do what they do, to act as one of them even if it is far from the comfort zone you are bound to return to.

I can do that effortlessly, it might seem, but nothing less is to be expected from a photographer.

I prepare meticulously, set all expectations with the happy couple, make sure what is included, what isn’t, and communicate in a way that leaves no space for disappointment and so everyone knows about the limitations and complications.
I walk all locations beforehand where possible, talk with the people involved, ask about any constant and variable for the plan of the day and ensure to be in the right place at the right time.
Only then, when I am one hundred percent clear on my role, inside this created framework, I can unleash all my creativity, joy and uniqueness, because I feel safe and welcome in that environment.
Unforeseen things I also calculate in beforehand, by thinking about any possible scenarios inside the given framework. That takes masses of energy, but those I take from the days before and after, or I will pay back eventually after.
You’re lucky that days like these don’t occur often, one might mention, that this is not your everyday life.
Only a day like that at a wedding is, in fact, not so much different than any day I spend among other people.

For every day and every interaction I like to be prepared, I want to know what is waiting for me, would like to feel welcome being present there.

Every shift of elements of my day, for which I am always prepared, triggers a recalculation from scratch, and that requires tremendous amounts of energy.
Also, the fear of those changes and the manic precalculations of all possibilities is a heavy weight to carry for me. Especially when ‘spontaneity’ is expected, 3 out of 4 CPU cores are reserved just for that.
I want to deliver a good performance and continue to meet all expectations towards myself. And that is as intense at the workplace, as it is with wedding photography, just with different topics and activities.
It’s just that it is hard to photograph weddings for 40 hours each and every week.
It makes it easier, when I know what to expect from a day, when I know what others expect from me and where my creativity is welcome before the day begins. When I can trust the events happening, and I can tell constants from variables, that is infinitely beneficial for letting my energy flow into passion.

I have become a good photographer; not only because I manage with the technicalities, but because I live every socially infused day like that, because I have known the feeling of those days all my life and lived with it.
That was never easy, but it always seemed to be the way everybody goes. And wasn’t it always the big goal to fit in there, the greatest challenge of them all?

Such days as a photographer are some of the little ones where I allow myself, but it comes mostly from the outside, a feeling that is plain missing on everyday days: The appreciation of having accomplished something.