Why was Oli able then, but not anymore?

Because back then I put my needs in the background and lesser than everything else.
And that without any bad intent, but to the best of my knowledge about myself and in all conscience.
That had twice of an effect: I could live beyond my comfort zone, and I still always searched for frames that were stable enough for me to live inside of them.

That had 2 fundamentals: On the one hand, my parents’ house gave me the most comfortable, even though not as much age appropriate, environment and on the other hand, I worked on shaping my masks more and more in a way that made me feel almost like everyone else.

Those pains, insecurities, energy-deprivation and the huge amounted energy debt I just took home. I experienced fear and distress and didn’t even allow myself to call it that, as it wasn’t befitting the carefully designed mask of that Oli who I continuously optimised and cut to size.
I had my suspicions for a long time, to not be like everyone else, but lacking a clinical diagnosis I couldn’t arrogate anything myself, and so I concentrated on being happy . But these darker thoughts only had their place in those moments when I dropped the mask inside my comfort zone, as this mask is utterly heavy.

And when the doubts grew unbearable, I went for the source of the matter.
Diagnosis: Autism.

Now I don’t have an excuse, when it comes to ignoring my needs and sacrificing my lifestyle to the mask.

But even this self has merged so far into that mask, that I have a hard time even separating them.

Last year was shaped by 2 major projects:
First the return to the workplace, with a room to myself, with fresh tasks, with more self-respect.
Then, with fresh energy, moving out of my parents’ house, with new challenges and a new way of the daily life, with responsibilities in many new departments towards myself and others.

Thanks to the option of retreat from the open space office and an early workday, I had a chance to prevail against the masses of fresh responsibilities and to live.
Not least, it helped that I was made feeling sure about being welcomed in that way of working and being alright.

But with the moment I have to doubt that or when I disregard those needs for whatever reason, my happiness dies and what follows sucks up all energy.

And when at the end of balancing out no energy is left, it might so happen that I would even forget why exactly I am doing okay or which unexpected change would be fatal. As of then, I ride the downwards spiral, without realising it, without being able to hold onto healthy habits, without getting help.

I am programmed to see the good things. But that alone doesn’t let the bad disappear and I see it only too late, if I don’t accept it and learn to deal with it in a healthy way.