Why Computer Games and Movies?

Some of my passions are most classic, even stereotypical for many people with autism.
Nerd stuff, you might call it.

Since the days of my childhood I had a fascination for computers and for movies (and series, too) and games, almost in general.

 

First, computer games and such

Aside of the frantic acquisition of digital goods, when those were scarce and still precious, and the browsing through the files of games and the operating system, my interest in all the underlying elements of the digital world would always be of a special nature, next to the obvious offerings of fun and leisure.

As much as video games are designed to be fun, so much the question as to why some people are so content in playing them daily, all day long for days?

Sure, it is appealing to the whole happiness apparatus, but isn’t ’the world outside’, too?
Or is the world outside more confusing and disorderly, whereas a computer game has a clear set of rules, mechanics, goals and even hacks?

With a computer program, you can be sure of the design (aside bugs and less well-conceived works) and where it is aimed.

A computer game, or even a board game for that matter, starts by painting a goal, stating the rules and explaining every aspect of the particular world in the time the player would need it.
So you always can be sure that you have a chance, and at times a proper challenge if you so wish, to succeed at a game and inside the world of it.

There is always (because computers work in 1s and 0s) logic to be expected.
A soothing thought, indeed, at least for me.

 

Numbers. Go. Up!

Success is a prickly tree to climb.

Now, why would you climb some prickly tree as high as you can? Well, the others can climb so so high, look at them! You wouldn’t want to be one of the lower losers, would you?
That is what makes a society strive towards progress, that’s why we build higher towers and faster cars and are happy about a raise.
But is it a good thing? Depends on your personal goals. Only those can be hard to distinguish from the ones our society likes to state as a given.

And there is no denying that some successes allow for certain comforts in life.

While in the ’real world’ numbers decide only some parts of our fate, in computer games numbers are the predominant measure of success: Levels, Speed, Damage, Handling, even Money and other denominations.

Outside of games, those numbers might exist as well, but all the hidden and less obvious factors make them far less tangible than inside a game.
Inside the game, you can always trust the numbers and the rules, it is easy, as complex as games often might appear.

If the right number goes up, you are on the right path.

Hardware – an intermezzo

But that is not the only way numbers can go up. Because the computer itself has quite many of those as well, with all the necessary parts of it.
And the whole thing about choosing, configuring and maintaining your hardware and seeing how it works gives great excitement in itself.

Just recently I have upgraded my technical base to a new standard.
So, the numbers went…up!

7700X, 32GB DDR5, 4080, 2TB PCIe® 4.0 NVMe™ SSD, >100 FPS in BL3 4K on Badass
Who ever understands those, now knows. 😀

Throwback: The first ’gaming upgrade’ back in the day looked like this, next to my current model:

 

Film

Movies are entertainment, as well as series. They convey all the things about life, fictional or not, which appeal to humans.

Made by humans, for humans.

Of course, there is the art factor. Ever evolving and arguably subject to taste.
But my stand on that is less one of usual taste, but far more one of the intention of a motion picture.
What did the creators want to achieve and how much did they manage to pull it off?

Aside from the subject and entertaining value of a filmic work, my fascination seems to exceed even that layer. And ever since I analyse myself, I found that movies are more of a pleasure to watch than I thought would be obvious.

Because any of the most complex human emotions and even worse, intentions, are carefully laid out in a way humans should be able to understand. Moreover, you can be sure (given the pull-it-off thing of the creators) that all the elements seemingly important to humans are to be found somewhere inside the movie or series.
That makes it a nice puzzle, sometimes harder, sometimes easier, to find out the following: Which human emotion is met with which reaction? What do humans want and how does it make them act?

At times I felt as if I have learned many rules of society and human interaction from movies, although always conscious and careful about how much that applies to ‘the real life’.

But there are still countless moments where I am hopelessly lost and have to ’see how it turns out’ later in the movie, because I can’t grasp the intentions of yet another evil cooperation’s master plan.
The only thing keeping the experience going then is the trust in the filmmakers, who must have thought it all out wisely. Also, there is some action to it as well, most of the time.

But the fact that all social interaction is well thought out to make sense in the end, is what makes movies so understandable, comfortable and trustworthy for me.

Cinema – another intermezzo

Not only the content of a movie is usually a well-structured, the technical presentation has conventions, too.
From aspect ratios to resolution to surround sound to the language, the calibration and its whole making.

The way a movie is to be watched is always close to the cinematic experience, which almost all filmmakers celebrate.

And with 7.2.4 and HDR10 and OLED, 24-bit and 192kHz and HDMI 2.1 and 2160p I have not only numbers to marvel at and to aspire to, but also an assurance: The closer I am to the intended experience, the more I can be sure to understand every audio-visual detail the work of art wants to convey next to its story.

 

So, why computer games and movies?

Because they work like me: Always (though it can take a while) able to deduce what makes them act in the way they do, what drives them and what things they take and don’t take into consideration.

It is easy to follow and to sympathize with structure, order and rules and reason, my autism confirms.

 

Malaysia Done Right

To be familiar with a great place on earth is a privilege. But coming back to it after several years is a whole other experience.
My last visit to South-East-Asia has been a rush, but I enjoyed my time in Malaysia the most, so it would be only fitting to come back to the very same country. (plus a very brief stay in Singapore before the flight back)

But I might have waited longer, wouldn’t there be someone waiting as one of the main reasons for the visit…
You might remember the mention of a new friend in the article about my first visit to Malaysia. This old man, who I have met for such short time back then, has become a real friend over the years of exchanging letters. So one part of this trip would be very special.

In the following, I would like to lay out some of the elements that made this trip so unbelievably wonderful and shockingly perfect:

 

Travel Companion

Many of my travels I did in solitude (though ending up in marvellous company anyway), but not this one.
In order to have a great time, your travel companion should be an angel: Never in a bad mood, constantly appreciating the good things that happen around us, taking on at least half the organisatory tasks, being supportive when it takes me ages to choose, doing her own thing now and then, being brave when it comes to tasting gifted dried fish, not letting a foul word leave her mouth and never wasting energy to complain.
I don’t know where such people come from, but if you find someone who likes to see the good in the world as much as you: Go travel with them, once in a while!

 

Plan B

I like to plan things. And if I were planning my trip on my own, I would have booked it all in advance.
Luckily, we decided to leave as much as we could to be booked on the way, so that we had only very few things we were fixed on seeing. This is ‘Plan A’: The things that you set your heart on.
A careful evaluation of how that affects the travel plans made our list punchy, but short. Also, the very location of where our trip lead us was insurance enough for the experience we wanted.
What was more important for the feeling of child-like safety (one of the most craved goods in the adult life), was ‘Plan B’.
Plan B is constantly evolving and adapting towards Plan A, making sure everything is going well if something out of your control were to happen. It includes the secondary things like transportation, accommodation and the necessary list of priorities.
I discovered that it is far more useful to care about Plan B, as Plan B knows all the weaknesses of Plan A, makes sure that it doesn’t break apart and also leaves Plan A far more flexible for remodelling on the way.

So in the end, we ate all the nice things, saw all the nice places, visited my dear old friend in Penang, saw the beach, encountered more funky animal than we had anticipated, found some cool souvenirs and finally had some sugar cane juice!
Plan B helped us not worrying and making sure that we would achieve all those points.
This left room for so so many moments of mild freedom, where we were just living in the moment, absolutely sure we were well-tended.

 

Listen to recommendations

Luckily my intentions of booking all in advance were altered into the flexible approach, as that let us listen to local recommendations.
And following them, easy: If two different parties tell you not to go to the Cameron Highlands, you might want to take it as a sign and travel to Pangkor Island instead. If you don’t get encouraged to go to the East coast of West Malaysia because of the rain season, don’t be sad and don’t go. If someone tells you to try out this restaurant, you better go there. If another traveller writes you notes on scraps of paper of how to take a ferry to the mainland, you go take that ferry! If some people tell you about a temple lit up in all the colours, you surely should check it out. If you book an Airbnb and receive a personal tour guide with it, you are well off following his directions to irreplaceable memories.

 

Level 2

There are 3 types of activities in a country, also applies to food:

  1. Those made for tourists
  2. Those made for locals
  3. Those only locals know about

A Level 1 vacation would be in a closed resort, with transport to and from the airport and food from the daily buffets.
A Level 2 vacation fears all Level 1 activites and looks for the authentic experience in the streets.
A Level 3 vacation is impossible without consulting locals and having a guide throughout the trip.

We were on the same page, luckily, and went for Level 2 as much as we could. Most of the time, we found ourselves out of sight of any other European, sitting, walking and eating with the locals as if it were natural.
Also we were so so lucky to have made connections with local people and even made some friends on the way, that we accessed some Level 3 on the way.
And who could say they ordered something not written on the menu in Malaysia?

 

Don’t fear the rain

It is all wet. The air, the toilets, the sweat, the rain. It would be the greatest challenge to flee all that.
We didn’t bother with this challenge. Because we would have missed so many encounters, weather moods, funny places and time outside. So pack your umbrella or your waterproof jacket, next time you go and experience more!

 

Rewards

When your trip looks something like this, you have done it right:

Two Natures

My life has this golden thread.

One part of the day I have no issue being my best self, but the other half I am a stubborn recluse.
You will see me obeying rules and conventions, but challenging just as many.
My love for the big noises in movies is as present as my tendency for jumpiness in select situations.
I can let my room succumb to messiness, but enjoy tidying up ever so much.
You will see me talk one’s ear off, but there are times I don’t like to utter one word.
Travelling I love just as much as spending an entire day by myself inside my room.
My passion is hugging, yet sometimes touch can be just unbearable.
You will see me find the most creative solution to a task, but an hour later I will ask for petty specifics.
One of my faces is well presentable, the other one not many get to see.

As to why, I couldn’t find an answer to. Until recently.

 

What is the Shape of a Person?

A person has an outline. Like in a colouring book, where lines define the shape and you just need to fill it with colour.
You decide for yourself, what shape and what size you would like to fill in your own life, to aspire to and to appear as.
Most likely, us humans’ shapes will all be roughly human shaped. And that is just how we live in the places we find ourselves in.
But it is always the outer boundaries of our shapes, where things get interesting and where we have work to reshape.

When not in active self embetterment, we visit these boundaries unintentionally: Outside the designated comfort zone, in a crisis, when travelling in general, when we change our surroundings or when we are confronted with stirring experiences.
We then decide on keeping, expanding or reshaping, with the newly found knowledge about ourselves.

And all that is okay and a crucial process in life.
Though when you find more foggy question marks than tangible impressions on one of those visits, it leaves you confused, frustrated and puzzled.

In my life I encountered many of those question marks, whenever I came near my outline. But this outline always has been carefully drawn and was up to any standard I hold dearly.

 

Questions as to Why

Naturally, when you confront a question, an answer is due. Only I couldn’t find answers to those arising questions:

Why exactly can’t I attend parties like everyone else does?
Why do I get so extremely uneasy when I can’t escape listening to the local radio station, but can rave at a festival?
Why do I love rules so much, but am also known as one thinking outside the box?
Why do I have classical music and glitch hop in the same playlist?
Why do I freeze when offered a drink suddenly?
Why can I express my love all day, but later have no more energy for a smile?

Those questions may seem silly out of specific context, but they can hurt really bad when you don’t have the answer to them.

For me it meant that on the majority of days, aka the good days, I didn’t have to worry about those questions.
But when I did reach those foggy areas, I had trouble making out who or what I myself was, as my outline was very much in question then. Those were the rare, but ever so intense bad days.

Early on I decided that I didn’t want to give the bad days too much room in my life. As best as I could I optimized my life to increase the good days.
But that didn’t really solve those questions I kept facing time and time again.

 

The explanatory Thing

Once I found out about a thing that could explain my ambivalent peculiarities and funny distribution of weaknesses and strengths: The autism spectrum.

It made perfect sense and held answers to almost all of the question marks in my life, but would require two major things:
First, the open acceptance of my hidden emotions and second, the reframing of the past, present and future.
Also it would be a hard to swallow pill for those who didn’t know my other face and pose even more questions than it could answer. Furthermore, I didn’t want to latch on to an explanation of things I just started figuring out ways to avoid in my life.

And so that thing became a backup explanation for the bad moments and only worked as a soothing agent for myself, whenever I needed it.

 

Turning Point

Life wasn’t bad by any means, as the blog is my witness, but this greyish area and all the question marks with the heavy explanation theory were always there and couldn’t manifest outside of the back of my own head.

Many years of improving my own human shape, but never solving many of those weirdly connected question marks went by and I decided to set out to find out: Is the long cradled answer valid or not? What parts of my life will change, with either outcome?

And so I set out. After long waiting periods (somehow the demand of psychological aid has increased the past years) I got

 

The Answer

Aspergers.
A form of autism, a developmental anomaly involving a passion for routines and rules, well developed verbal language skills, difficulty to intuitively understand social situations, an eye for details, and also an extremely heightened sensitivity towards sounds, smells, vibrations and inconsistency.

The symptoms in every human with autism vary, as they grew up in different houses, found different ways to deal with them using the own set of skills and share challenges differently.
Some are well aware that they are on the spectrum since their childhood, some find out later in life.

My journey led me to the answer just a few months back.
There are many things I can see clearly now, many situations I have reevaluated, substantially improved and found reasons to many of my paradoxes.

 

The Journey

Of quite some journeys I have told you on this blog and there are more in the queue. One of them, now, is the one I didn’t know I was on my whole life.
The journey of awareness of understanding myself and how I work and how I manage to make people happy.

And this journey I would like to share as well.

What happened in 2022: Magic

Of all the unexpected things this year, some occasions stood out. For there were many of them and I knew of little in the beginning.

Since 2019, I also do wedding photography. And while the recent years certainly haven’t helped couples and photographers alike, this year allowed us to create something together again. Something I’d like to sum up as: Magic.

I am sure of one thing: 2023 will be about evolving. (Though, isn’t every year?)

What awaits, we don’t know. But I am looking forward to it!

See you there 😉