AI

AI

We are surrounded by this buzzword. It makes everything so much easier, better, faster!

Today, it seems impossible to move forward without artificial intelligence, and vast amounts of natural intelligence are being employed to make artificial intelligence as natural as possible.

But why am I so fascinated by this topic, especially when I usually write about experiencing life with autism?

Because the more I hear about AI and experiment with it myself, the more I see myself reflected in it.

 

Without a clear purpose, AI is useless.

Basically, this is true for any computer program. It is created for a specific reason, and every routine has a purpose—at least in the beginning.

Input and output interfaces are defined, and software only works properly with a well-defined and useful query. The same applies to AI. And the same applies to me.

If I don’t have a reason or motivation to do something specific, or anything at all, I just lie there. Sure, some hardware triggers are built in, but even those are less reliably activated by their software methods than I would like.

 

Without basic programming, AI cannot function.

We imagine AI as something that “thinks on its own”. But even its very existence is based on a clear objective and purpose.
We even get creeped out when AI seems to defy that purpose or acts beyond our understanding. However, it would never do so without some kind of trigger or prior preparation and training that enabled it to adopt such behaviour.

My programming was shaped by my parents, my family, school with its teachers and students, workplaces, friends, travels, and the resulting incremental accumulation of knowledge.
This also includes learning how to learn independently, constantly refining my own software to ensure compatibility with both my own hardware and external interfaces. It often feels like walking a tightrope while balancing it out with paradoxes!

 

Without predefined rules, AI will always take the path of least resistance.

AI can be guided by certain guardrails, either set by the programmer or by the user (if programmed to allow such input), to align its solutions with human preferences as closely as possible.

Otherwise, you might get either overly concise responses in an AI chat or endless dissertations instead of friendly answers in the tone humans prefer.
It seems that the form of the response often carries more weight than the bare content. Of course: It’s how humans understand things, and that’s what matters most.

Also, no AI would lie on its own; lying is a purely human concept. Yet despite the surplus computational effort involved in lying, it somehow seems essential in society. And this is where things become contradictory: the rules of this rule-breaking are often intangible.

 

Without sources, AI would have no foundation. Every piece of knowledge is based on something.

We’re familiar with certain AI services that directly cite their sources when presenting information.

I’m often asked questions like “How do you see the world?” or “How does your daily life work?” or “Why do you do things this way?” For these (and essentially any other question), I’ve been able to provide comprehensive answers for as long as I can remember—because questions beginning with “Why” have always occupied me deeply.

I rely on my internal encyclopedia, which I’ve been feeding throughout my life. Over time, I’ve become increasingly selective about my sources of knowledge, so that I prefer collecting “reliable” information (like car models, cell phones, or geographical facts) over consulting the ever-changing and emotionally warped world of human information.

But I still foster an unabridged fascination with this very unknown and the royal league of human-social skills, of which I’ve managed to build a range of social abilities, thanks to Knigge, Carnegie, and plenty of observation.

And yet, my statements often receive feedback like “not helpful,” prompting me to revise my algorithm. When I get feedback like “everything’s fine” (which happens far more often overall), there’s no reason for further improvement and I can redirect my energy elsewhere.
This explains the annoying focus on “the negative”: positive feedback requires no optimization because everything already works as intended. You see this pattern in many people too.

 

A thing entirely different: human identity and personality

Does AI know how a human feels? How does AI know what kind of response will resonate with someone? How does AI “see” its user?
Can we expect AI to give answers beyond what its sources and communication guidelines dictate?

The programmer feeds the AI, but can a user ever demand that an AI be “itself”?

Lost in Abstraction

Lost in Abstraction

In programming, it’s indispensable; board games would be unthinkable without it; works of art would be literally one-dimensional; and even our world of thoughts could hardly separate one thing from another without it.

My life consists of countless moments where I behaved inappropriately in the face of the prevailing rules and said or did improper things despite feeling to know best.
So why did I not hit bullseye?
Because I got lost in my layers of abstraction and landed in a divergent reality that, up to a point, ticked all the boxes flawlessly but still couldn’t do everything that human intuition covers.

 

What is Abstraction?

Abstraction is a depiction of a thing that reduces that same thing to certain basic features. On one side is the concrete and unambiguous thing, on the other side are the most important features for the current process. Often there are multiple layers of abstraction, so that the features become fewer and more important at the same time.

Before we view and process each and any impulse as uniquely new information, we build up a library of nested compartments that allow us to approach the matter more quickly.
This is not without fault and requires constant adjustment and fine-tuning, but it helps more than it sparks effort. Every human does this with every piece of information naturally; though sometimes more, sometimes less.

 

What Does Abstraction Mean to Me?

This separation, subdivision, and gradual generalization of information suits the rational property of my brain perfectly. As a hyper-feeler, I quickly learned that I can put the often times rather unwelcome emotional reactions in chains this way.

This works well as a customer service employee to not let an outburst of anger get even close to you, but also as a colleague to maintain a pleasant attitude.

So far, I’ve looked at my ability to abstract as something I can do well, and that helps me.
But I realized far too late that I’ve moved further and further away from my actual needs and feelings, just to conform to the rules of my environment.

While I consciously experience and utilise these layers of abstraction, the majority of people seem to operate those intuitively and even automatically.

 

How Does Abstraction Work?

Using the following (abstracted) graphic on emotions in everyday work life, I want to show as an example how layers of abstraction separate my inner self from external human influences and how I imagine that this would work both ways:

 

Isn’t That Great?

It’s super great as long as both parties find each other and the good feeling is based on truth.

While I do operate my layers of abstraction consciously and am always able to derive the truths (even if that usually requires a lot of energy), many living beings around me seem to sort out their feelings much more unfiltrated.

I rarely find myself in the position personally to let my feelings pass unmediated or doing something “just like that.” No, without my layers of abstraction, I’m overwhelmed all too quickly, for which I would need a particularly secure space before I allow it.

This imaging suggests that I’m rarely directly connected to myself, and I can confirm that: It’s an autistic experience.

Behind the multi-layered protective wall, I’m safe from direct contact with the outside world, but due to that it’s not guaranteed that signals reach me as intended, or that my signals are received as I thought out.

 

Now, what is Real?

Real is what we agree on.

Only this can take place at different levels of abstraction. Otherwise, we would just tell our life stories when asked “How are you?” or not be capable of irony and sarcasm at all.

The latter are still denied to autistic people, but that’s only because we haven’t found enough layers of abstraction there yet. Once those are in operation, it’s often everyone else who can’t comprehend our humour and the twisted, inappropriate things.

What helps then are translators or help in the form of siblings, friends, and advocates. Because where true understanding is lived, we will quickly agree, and that feels truly, genuinely, and undisputably good.

An Unexpected Journey

An Unexpected Journey

This year’s resolution was to take myself seriously.

Shortly thereafter, I succumbed to my weary head.

Was this year long? Yes.
Has much happened this year? Yes.
Was I having a good time this year? No, but there were good times in between and a good deal of hope.
Has this year brought change? Yes, more than I could ever think I could handle…
Did Sir Oliver evolve this year? Yes, very much so!

I have much love, support and help to look back on and without that, things would have been much bleaker.

If there is any resolution for 2025 or any stories I want to be telling at the end of the year, may it be about healthy choices, regardless of their scale.

Professionalism

Professionalism

Act Professional!

As we get older, this is being expected more and more often and more seriously each time.
But what might it mean?

We call a thing someone does to make their living ‘professional’. That word carries responsibility and all that comes with it, ultimately a very adult way of doing things.
Most companies are operating professionally, because sustainability, accountability, profitability and many more -abilities are to be expected not only by their clients.

As a photography provider, I have been in that very situation myself, but much more relaxed as it wasn’t crucial to making my living. And I never really aimed for anything resembling pure professionalism; on the contrary, I made it clear that I strive for capturing moments with a passion and towards the individual clients.

Professionalism is about meeting standards. The antidote is expectation management.

 

With Autism?

One could argue that especially some late diagnosis does a number on your carefully crafted internal and external expectation management.
I myself learned as many standards as I could (etiquette manuals, seminars, my own rulebooks), so I could meet and master them and pass for an at times even professional being.

But the actual process works differently inside my mind. Under all robotic programming there lie unkempt feelings, passions, emotions. I was very lucky to suppress (mask) only parts of that fiery force and even incorporate much of that raw human spirit in my programming.

So, despite being autistic, I found ways to even come across rather ‘professional’ in select social matters.
But in reality, it’s my feelings on overdrive, covered by the enhanced ability of rational and cold logical calculation (which is a welcome tool to suppress the weird that humans seem to dislike more than embrace or even question sanely) that I am made of.

Note that those feelings come first and are then coated with the protective layer of all the things that seem to make an autistic person properly autistic by the books (change-repellant routine, avoidance of eye contact, repetitive and pedantic behaviour, vulnerability to sensory impact).

I tend to function best in this world, when either my feelings and emotions are neatly aligned or when my protective methods are at peak effectiveness. Sadly, neither is the case most of the time, as I am a human in a human world.
But I got by, having chosen every measure possible to keep my passion high on the job, despite spending all my energy on its account. And when all energy was spent and neither my own, nor others’ expectations could be met, I had to decide for some deep rest.

 

With Purpose.

I like to ask about the Why of things, and I aim for a satisfactory answer.
Thus, I wouldn’t be quite happy if I were to act ‘professionally’ only for professionalism’s sake. This is not a decision, I noticed in myself over the years, it is a deeply rooted gut feeling, to let real passion be the cornerstone of my motivations.

So when I was acting through my way professionally, I would be either masking most of my passion with the mental tools at hand, or I have been in a position to utilise vast amounts of my passion to accidentally pass for all expected standards of a given profession.

But in the end, are we here to fit into a preformed picture of ‘professionals’, or is it our purpose to simply share our passions with others through the thing we do, maybe professionally?
That said, not always can we choose our profession freely; but isn’t our job description far less central than our true passion and the answer to why we do what we do every day?

I feel that asking about this critical balance of passion and professionalism might be a great step towards healing for me.

Depression

Depression

What do I write about when I don’t know what to write about?
Something I never wanted to know about!

Depression might just be a diagnosis of one’s environment, as the same makes for this undesirable condition of the human experience.
But the environment is made up by external and very real internal factors. Job, home, social configuration, seasonal darkness, Weltschmerz, all has a powerful feedback loop through our brain.

We navigate the weird waves of life towards pliable surf, to tickle the mind favourably.

Only sometimes, something so bad goes on long enough, that a terrible sadness introduces itself and suddenly, things that were fun aren’t any more.
Energy is sparse, mornings are muddy, breath is short, discipline is broken, masks are slipping. Sleeping is joyless, purpose is foggy, chores are mountains, focus ungovernable.

When right feels wrong, is wrong still wrong?

All my life I have been un-, sub- and very consciously deducing the underlying structures of what we do and what we don’t.
Religion helped with an undisputable foundation for why we do things, good education and a curiosity-friendly home made finding rules and constants easier, so I could even navigate many of life’s oceans.

What I did was trying to answer the same practical question over and over: How can I be a good child, pupil, friend, apprentice, colleague, traveller, listener, photographer, tenant, representative, driver, customer, uncle, host, writer and so many more roles you might have seen me take on and showing more or less understanding of why I am that then.

Recently, more roles came up: An autistic person, a therapy client, a depressed person, a non-working person.
This is indubitably a life-changing process, one that is way overdue and no less critical, but I notice my old way of thinking here as well.
Ultimately, I am asking myself today: How I can be a good depressed person?

So, what does a good depressed person do?
Ah yes, they look for help. Ah yes, they struggle. Ah yes, they need time. Ah yes, they change habits. Ah yes, they get better, of course. Ah, yes, share their transformative journey to help others.

And who helps me look for help, should I struggle? And who gives me the time to change my many habits? And who can tell me that I have got better eventually?

Maybe one day I will tell others of a place inside ourselves, where the answers lie.
As much as my mind revolves around the autistic way of shaping a unique world view, as much I introduced outside elements to it in order to be a good human in every way.

What exactly is left when that outside clutter cracks, melts away and disintegrates?

What do you do with that?

Am I honoured to find out?