This update is not a proud one, but an honest one.
Over the last weeks, I have encountered a new state of my batteries: Absolute depletion.
Even with some time off work, which usually makes a difference in resilience and fresh courage to carry on, they just wouldn’t want to hold any charge of energy.
Through some turbulent recalculations of what I would like to change and what I could do to fix the undesirable situation, I came to realise that I shouldn’t aim for change first, but for immediate rest.
I knew I constantly use extra energy to uphold the mask, which I did for the best reasons, as it is a mask that can make people happy.
But even though I hardly ever got this spent energy back, thus building up an energy debt over time, I got used to this way of life.
With the diagnosis and some relief in many areas of life, I could maintain the job and many functions. Only the debt rose, steadily, until I gave in to its weight and the barrel was overflowing.
This is a topic that is more important than we realise in autism and might be a reason why struggles in life are inevitable, if no accommodations are made, regardless of how well-rounded the mask is. A clear sign of exhaustion: Needing a nap in the middle of a day off work.
The following graphic illustrates my tumble into energy debt over the latter half of my life and shows the dramatic crash as of now on the right:
I am on another journey for help and rehabilitation now, as life has got hard and heavy, which it doesn’t have to be for anyone.
All the things I’ve learned about myself and about my needs and my strengths will help in pursuit of a suitable lifestyle, so that I have true balance once again and for the long run.
There is much I want to do, but I would like to be able to do it.
